


It's Okay, It's All Okay With Me

by Artemisia (moonflowercrown)



Series: Derry Girls Emo Moments [3]
Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: Comfort, Gen, ik its gen but y'all lap this up, jerins come get yall juice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27977259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonflowercrown/pseuds/Artemisia
Summary: Erin gets James to spill his late night thoughts about a particular person. (Based on a dream I had last week.)
Relationships: James Maguire & Erin Quinn
Series: Derry Girls Emo Moments [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969699
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	It's Okay, It's All Okay With Me

The bus rumbled down the road, a routine it had repeated thousands of times. The girls, as they increasingly had been, were pushed near the front, as some annoying little first years took their usual spot at the back. Michelle, Clare and Orla were piled into one row while Erin and James sat behind them. That morning had been a quiet one - nothing of note had really happened, and it was a Thursday, so the day in particular carried no merits. Everyone was just tired from the week and wished nothing more than for it to end.

Erin slouched in her seat, her eyes drooping a little - she wasn't completely zoned out, but still enough that she was running mostly on autopilot. In her slight dizziness, searching for a place to rest her head, she leant against James' shoulder. He didn't react, at least not outwardly, and for about half a minute she didn't question her action. With those 30 seconds up, she regained her senses and jumped, snapping away from him and almost off the seat on the other side. This earned her a slightly concerned look from James, who'd managed to come out of his odd trance, if just for a moment. She shuffled back into a normal position, clearing her throat as James turned back to the window.  
Nervously, she kept glancing at him, trying to read his face, to no avail. A blank expression faced the glass, and once she realised he wasn't paying attention to her, she took a longer look. It was weird, she thought - he looked tired, like he hadn't slept properly all week, dark circles under his eyes, eyes which seemed duller than usual. This seemed wrong to Erin - James wouldn't stay up on purpose. He's a stickler for health and getting a proper amount of sleep, so something must be keeping him up.  
It was then she realised he was looking back at her in the glass, and though she had the impulse to turn away and pretend she wasn't looking, she stood her ground.

"You doing alright, James?"  
"Hm? Oh, I'm fine." That wasn't convincing.  
"So you are, looking like you've been up for a week straight. What's keeping you?" she said, or moreso, demanded.  
"It's nothing, really," he said, looking increasingly distressed. She said nothing in return, only holding his gaze in determined persistence. Eventually, he broke.

"Alright. It's about my mum." Erin resisted the urge to flinch. Since they got him back, she'd avoided thinking about her. James continued, "Everything that happened - it really made me wonder if she ever really cared about me, or just pretended to."  
The chatter on the bus seemed louder now, as if it were trying to stop them talking by bombarding them with noise. It pushed in between them as neither could think of how to continue, James unable to voice his whirlwind of worries and Erin unable to calm the storm. In absence of words, Erin shuffled toward James, leaning against him, a sign of comfort. The quiet between them wasn't tense, rather contemplative, both looking to the window, at the rush of cool green outside.  
"The more I think about it, the worse it gets. I just... nothing she ever did for me felt sincere. Like it was an obligation for her." He eased into the words, the minutes of thought letting him organise himself. "And when she left me behind, I thought she was coming back. For so long I thought she'd show up and come and get me and that would be it, I'd be home, and everything would go back to normal." 

But it didn't. 

That went unsaid, but they both felt it. She remembered that letter she found down the back of her dresser. 'Mum is probably going to come and get me any minute now'. That phrase that hurt a lot more now.  
"When she did show up again... I thought I'd missed her. I barely thought about her anymore. I just missed the familiarity, really. At some point I realised that I'd never get it back. I knew she was moving somewhere new, so I wouldn't have my old friends, and I wouldn't have my stepdad. I realised that here is just so much better."

He sighed, finally giving in to Erin's gesture and leaning back on her. Another bout of silence overcame the two as James contemplated a final question. The thing that had kept him up.  
"Erin?" He was really delaying himself now.

"Yeah?" She felt nervous at the build-up.

"Is it okay to... hate my mum, for what she did?" He bit his lip. It was weird, asking permission to hate someone. For Erin, she sort of understood - he never really hated people. Disliked, sure, but he always took hate as a strong word, too strong for his feelings, anyway. But it made sense. Cathy neglected and manipulated him. How could you not resent a person for doing those things to you, especially when that person is supposed to be your mother? 

"I think you can. She fucked you up. She's not sorry about it. It makes sense to hate her." 

"But she's my mum, right? I can't hate my own mum..."

"You bloody well can. No good mam leaves their kids behind, James."

At that moment, he sighed, tension rolling away as his mind finally settled. The bus continued its quiet journey, and the chatter seemed to even out too. It all felt right.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even like Jerin that much and I know this isn't relationship tagged, but... 
> 
> Anyway, I tried to incorporate a bit of slang this time round, but I have enough trouble with making speech sound natural anyway. If you cringed at Erin's dialogue, that's why. I'll get it eventually.  
> Shout out to Erin's Diary (the actual, physically, officially released book) for the glossary, and providing me with a little reference for this fic.  
> Title is from Drop Pop Candy by REOL.


End file.
